Finally, the moment I had been dreading had come. Walmart finally decided it was time. So today friends, is the story of how this “young slut” finally became an “old heifer”, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give you a bit of a backstory first.
So Walmart introduced a $5 Beauty Box last year and there seemed to be some odd variations popping up. After a while of comparing notes amongst beauty bloggers, we figured out that if you were 35 or under when you signed up, you got the “young slut” box full of lip gloss and perfume that smells like cotton candy and if you’re 36 and up you’re obviously an “old heifer” and get stuff like anti-aging cream. I signed up at 35, and so I wondered if Walmart would eventually catch on after I turned 36 and start sending me Depends and denture cream.
My boxes seemed to always fall into the “young slut” category so I figured Walmart had decided that whatever you sign up with, you stay with.
Take a journey with me through this box and see how very wrong I’ve been.
We kick off this beauty box of sadness with an innocuous beginning.
NSPA Exotically Creamy Coconut Rich Body Butter
(Full Size Retail: $5.48)
Description: “Indulge your senses with NSPA Exotically Creamy Coconut Rich Body Butter packed with natural vitamins and real fruit goodness to deeply nourish skin, leaving it healthier looking and feeling velvety soft.”
Verdict: Young Slut
It starts off with lotion that smells like food, so at this point I assume I’m still a young slut.
Pure Silk Moisturizing Shave Cream For Women Raspberry Mist
(Full Size Retail: $6.97)
Description: “Pure Silk rich lather protects against nicks and cuts, while providing a comfortably close shave, leaving your skin feeling as smooth as silk.”
Verdict: Young Slut
Okay more food scented body products. We’re definitely in Young Slut territory.
Pantene Pro-V Extra Strong Hold Hair Spray
(Full Size Retail: $4.97)
Description: “Keep your beautiful style strong all day long with the extra strong holding power of Pantene Pro-V Extra Strong Hold Hair Spray. It holds hair in place for 24 hours and is humidity resistant, so you can unleash your style around the clock.”
Verdict: Old Heifer
I hear you, young sluts love hairspray too, but this is “Extra Strong” – not “touchably soft”. This sounds like the crap you use to shellac a beehive do. But as far as the scale goes not so awful.
Then it takes a turn:
Centrum Vitamints Multimineral Supplement Cool Mint Adult Minty Chewables
(60 count Retail: $6.76 each)
Description: “Centrum Vitamints Multimineral Supplement Cool Mint Adult Minty Chewables are adults multivitamins with a refreshingly mint taste you can take any time of day with or without food or water.”
Verdict: Old Heifer
So apparently my bones are now so brittle that it’s not enough to take regular vitamins and eat vegetables, even my mints need to be supplements. What’s next, “multi-mineral” supplement mouthwash?
Assorted Boring Inserts & Coupons:
Then, the moment. Where all hope abandons you.
Mixed in with other coupons we find:
TWO coupon rings of Clairol Root Touch UP
Rogaine for Women Coupons
Verdict: Walmart, you have some ‘splaining to do
I might have been okay with one coupon ring of “root touch up”, but two? And why would I need so much root touch up, if my fucking hair is falling out and I need Rogaine for women? I don’t even have one gray hair – in fact, I will never get gray hair because I’m a redhead and our hair just changes color until it goes white. And when it does go white, I will dye that shit every unnatural color I can get my hands on, so there ain’t nothing in that box for me.
Verdict: This old heifer is spending her money on Birchbox
Based on some of the other boxes I saw reviewed, other folks got things like hair ties, but I guess since I’m 36 now, Walmart assumes my hair must be falling out and so I just don’t have anything to tie up. As you can guess, this box is canceled. It may only be $5, but that’s $5 I can spend on Birchbox, or a scratch off ticket, or pretty much anything that wouldn’t be actively insulting.
Did you order one of these boxes? If so, did you end up as a “young slut” or an “old heifer”?
Walmart subscriptions cost $5 per quarter and you receive a box seasonally (four times a year.)