Walmart Beauty Box: Winter 2015

Finally, the moment I had been dreading had come. Walmart finally decided it was time. So today friends, is the story of how this “young slut” finally became an “old heifer”, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give you a bit of a backstory first.

So Walmart introduced a $5 Beauty Box last year and there seemed to be some odd variations popping up. After a while of comparing notes amongst beauty bloggers, we figured out that if you were 35 or under when you signed up, you got the “young slut” box full of lip gloss and perfume that smells like cotton candy and if you’re 36 and up you’re obviously an “old heifer” and get stuff like anti-aging cream. I signed up at 35, and so I wondered if Walmart would eventually catch on after I turned 36 and start sending me Depends and denture cream.

My boxes seemed to always fall into the “young slut” category so I figured Walmart had decided that whatever you sign up with, you stay with.
Take a journey with me through this box and see how very wrong I’ve been.

We kick off this beauty box of sadness with an innocuous beginning.
Box Open Box

Body Butter
NSPA Exotically Creamy Coconut Rich Body Butter

(Full Size Retail: $5.48)
Description: Indulge your senses with NSPA Exotically Creamy Coconut Rich Body Butter packed with natural vitamins and real fruit goodness to deeply nourish skin, leaving it healthier looking and feeling velvety soft.”
Verdict: Young Slut
It starts off with lotion that smells like food, so at this point I assume I’m still a young slut.

Shave Cream
Pure Silk Moisturizing Shave Cream For Women Raspberry Mist

(Full Size Retail: $6.97)
Description: Pure Silk rich lather protects against nicks and cuts, while providing a comfortably close shave, leaving your skin feeling as smooth as silk.”
Verdict: Young Slut
Okay more food scented body products. We’re definitely in Young Slut territory.

Pantene Pro-V Extra Strong Hold Hair Spray
(Full Size Retail: $4.97)
Description: “Keep your beautiful style strong all day long with the extra strong holding power of Pantene Pro-V Extra Strong Hold Hair Spray. It holds hair in place for 24 hours and is humidity resistant, so you can unleash your style around the clock.”
Verdict: Old Heifer
I hear you, young sluts love hairspray too, but this is “Extra Strong” – not “touchably soft”. This sounds like the crap you use to shellac a beehive do. But as far as the scale goes not so awful.

Then it takes a turn:

Centrum Vitamints Multimineral Supplement Cool Mint Adult Minty Chewables

(60 count Retail: $6.76 each)
Description: Centrum Vitamints Multimineral Supplement Cool Mint Adult Minty Chewables are adults multivitamins with a refreshingly mint taste you can take any time of day with or without food or water.”
Verdict: Old Heifer
So apparently my bones are now so brittle that it’s not enough to take regular vitamins and eat vegetables, even my mints need to be supplements. What’s next, “multi-mineral” supplement mouthwash?

Assorted Boring Inserts & Coupons:
Then, the moment. Where all hope abandons you.
Mixed in with other coupons we find:
Old Lady Crap
TWO coupon rings of Clairol Root Touch UP
Rogaine for Women Coupons
Walmart, you have some ‘splaining to do
I might have been okay with one coupon ring of “root touch up”, but two? And why would I need so much root touch up, if my fucking hair is falling out and I need Rogaine for women? I don’t even have one gray hair – in fact, I will never get gray hair because I’m a redhead and our hair just changes color until it goes white. And when it does go white, I will dye that shit every unnatural color I can get my hands on, so there ain’t nothing in that box for me.

Walmart Winter 2015 Box
This old heifer is spending her money on Birchbox
Based on some of the other boxes I saw reviewed, other folks got things like hair ties, but I guess since I’m 36 now, Walmart assumes my hair must be falling out and so I just don’t have anything to tie up. As you can guess, this box is canceled. It may only be $5, but that’s $5 I can spend on Birchbox, or a scratch off ticket, or pretty much anything that wouldn’t be actively insulting.

Did you order one of these boxes? If so, did you end up as a “young slut” or an “old heifer”?


Walmart subscriptions cost $5 per quarter and you receive a box seasonally (four times a year.)

Walmart Beauty Box: Spring 2015

Thanks to crazy work deadlines and dental surgery it’s time for me to play catch up with all the boxes I have stockpiled. Among the bunch is my seasonal Walmart beauty box.
In the past, Walmart has sent out at least two versions, broken up by your birthdate with the line of demarcation being 35. If you’ve read my past Walmart reviews then you’ll know that I affectionately refer to these boxes as “young sluts” and “old heifers”. I subscribed when I was 34 and turned 35 while subscribed, so I never have any idea which version might pop up for me.

So into the box:
Open Box

Rimmel Lash Accelerator Endless in Black
(Full Size)

(Retail: $7.97)
Description: Rimmel London Lash Accelerator Endless Mascara stretches your lashes beyond the limits with its unique micro-fibers formula. With a Grow-Lash Complex of Procapil, keratin and antioxidants. lashes are conditioned day after day. After 30 days, lashes appear longer, stronger and more numerous.”
Verdict: Hit!
I don’t expect much from a $5.00 beauty box, so a full size mascara was a great addition. Mascara is probably the beauty product I use the most and I’m always up for trying out different brands. I don’t know what “Grow-Lash Complex” is but it sounds like it will give me magic lashes. I don’t know about you but I want magically long lashes, so I’ll give this a shot.

Neutrogena Healthy Skin Boosters Facial Cleanser
white tea & vitamin
(Deluxe Sample)
(9 fl oz Retail: $7.36)
Description: Neutrogena Healthy Skin Boosters Facial Cleanser’s rich, cushioning formula cleanses skin without over-drying and gently washes away dull surface skin cells. Infused with antioxidant white tea and moisturizing vitamin E, the formula boosts three signs of healthy-looking skin: softness, evenness, and radiance. For skin that looks and feels healthy every day.”
Verdict: Gift
In general I like the Neutrogena brand and normally I wouldn’t mind a cleanser but I have giant stockpile thanks to my lovely Subscription Box addiction. I’m going to pass this one along to my Mom who I’m sure will appreciate it.

Dove Go Fresh Revitalize Body Wash in Mandarin and tiare flower (Deluxe Sample)
(22 oz Retail: $5.47)
Description: “Dove Go Fresh Revitalize Body Wash has the moisture you love and a luxurious citrus scent. Now you can experience the caring freshness for yourself. It is specially formulated to leave you feeling revitalized. This Dove body wash features the vibrant and juicy scent of mandarin oranges. It is accented with tiare flower, a Tahitian gardenia. It has a creamy, sweet perfume that combines with the mandarin to create a lasting fragrance. Use the moisturizing body wash to feel refreshed and hydrated. The exclusive Dove NutriumMoisture blend is a natural and effective way to nourish the skin. Over time, you will feel softer and smoother.”
Verdict: Love!
Body washes are one of my favorite items to get in sub boxes. I go through them quickly and love trying new scents and brands. Citrus scents are my absolute favorite and Dove is a brand my dermatologist is always recommending so I was happy to see this included.

Shampoo & Conditioner
Schwarzkopf essence ULTIME Omega Repair & Moisture Shampoo & Conditioner (Deluxe Travel Size)
(13.5 oz Retail: $6.97 each)
Description: Especially developed for damaged, depleted hair. Deeply nourishes hair fibers. Repairs damaged hair within the cells to prevent split ends up to 90%. Provides gentle cleansing for damaged, depleted hair. With lavishly rich omega oil. Improves compatibility and touch of both wet and dry hair. Provides volume, shine and silky-smooth hair without weighing it down.”
Verdict: Like
I like to use different shampoos and conditioners and I try to intersperse my higher end splurges with more economical finds. Because of this I like deluxe drugstore samples. This brand is unfamiliar to me (although I’ve seen a few commercials for it since getting the box) so it will be fun to try out.

Lady Gaga Fame Eau de Parfum Natural Spray
(.5 Oz Retail: $18.77)
Description: “Lady Gaga Fame Eau de Parfum Natural Spray is a fruity floral scent. It features tears of belladonna, crushed heart of tiger orchidea, with a black veil of incense, pulverized apricot, and the combinative essences of saffron and honey drops. The Lady Gaga Fame bottle is a symbol of raw elegance that juxtaposes the sleek and sensual with an unexpected edge. The gold cap represents “the paw,” the iconic symbol of Gaga while the clear glass showcases the black juice, an innovation in fluid technology. Don’t be afraid to embrace your fame and make it bigger than life. From the Haus Laboratories in Paris, here’s the first-ever black eau de parfum compounded by Lady Gaga. It’s black like the soul of fame, but invisible once airborne.”
Verdict: Gift/Miss
Just go ahead and read that description…“it features tears of belladonna…it’s black like the soul of fame, but invisible once airborne..”  I spent an entire semester taking “Modern Poetry” with a beatnik professor and I have no idea what that description means. Not even a little bit. Perfume descriptions are always absurd, but this one takes itself ridiculously seriously.  It’s perfume, not the holy grail. In any case, I’m super picky about scents so I’ll pass this along to a friend.

Also included in the box were some assorted magazine style samples:

And of course, some coupons:


Full Box

Based solely on the box I can’t really tell if I’m a “young slut” or an “old heifer” this time. I don’t see a plethora of anti-aging products, and most of the products included are basic beauty items that women of all ages could use. This is definitely an improvement over the past Walmart boxes where it was pretty much get a box of anti-aging moisturizers or a box with lip gloss and perfume that smells like candy.

This box costs only $5, so the mascara alone was enough for me to get a good value. I loved the body wash and I’ll use the shampoo and conditioner. I really hope that Walmart continues with this more “ageless” box style.

Did you order one of these boxes? If so, did you get this one or something different?


Walmart subscriptions cost $5 per quarter and you receive a box seasonally (four times a year.)

Walmart Beauty Box: Winter 2014

I usually don’t purchase much drugstore makeup but when Walmart introduced their own seasonal beauty box at an affordable $5 a quarter, I knew I needed to try it out for you guys.

After the first box, subscribers soon realized that Walmart had created two categories for boxes which pretty much broke down into the following: young sluts and old heifers (isn’t that just some social commentary for ya). It was soon determined that the line of delineation was the birthdate you entered when you signed up. Under 35, you’re a young slut, 35 and over – you’re an old heifer. (Because 2014 wasn’t a hard enough year for me, Walmart felt the need to make my 35th birthday seem that much more traumatic, I truly cannot thank them enough.)

So when I signed up I was 34 so I got the young slut box. Now I’m 35 and the big question seemed to be if they’d adjust the boxes and I’d graduate to an old heifer, or if it’d be “once a young slut always a young slut.” Thank god I have Walmart to tell me what beauty products are age appropriate.
Open Box

So into the box:

Jergens BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream, Light Skin Tones
(Deluxe Sample)

(7.5 fl oz Retail: $11.97)
Description: Jergens BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream instantly visibly improves skin and gradually perfects skin over five days of use. Specially formulated with self-adjusting tone technology, each application provides a customized solution for your skin tone, giving you long-lasting, beautiful results. See visibly improved skin after just one day and experience five visible benefits after just five days. 1. Hydrates and smoothes. 2. Brightens and illuminates. 3. Evens skin tone. 4. Visibly firms skin. 5. Minimizes the appearance of imperfections. Jergens BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream makes skin visibly more beautiful..”
Verdict: Hit!
This sounds like an interesting product and it’s not one I would have picked up on my own. Thankfully I got the “light” shade but it would suck if you got a shade completely opposite of your complexion.

NIVEA Cocoa Butter Body Lotion
(Sample w/ coupon)
(16.9 fl oz Retail: $4.97)
Description: NIVEA Cocoa Butter Body Lotion intensively hydrates and provides long-lasting moisture. Its nourishing formula absorbs quickly and instantly moisturizes, and leaves skin soft, smooth, and healthy looking. With vitamin E and cocoa butter, NIVEA Cocoa Butter Body Lotion also features Hydra IQ Technology to support skin’s own hydration network to unleash deep, non-stop moisture that lasts more than 24 hours.”
Verdict: Miss
To begin I hate foil packets in boxes. If I can get it for free in a magazine, I don’t think it belongs in a sub box. Putting that aside, I don’t really care for the smell of cocoa butter so this isn’t a lotion I’d use.

Maybelline Dream Wonder Powder (Sample Card w/ coupon)
(0.28 oz Retail: $6.94)
Description: Maybelline Dream Wonder powder feels like powderless powder. Creamy glide, smooth flawless finish, and perfect skin for 100% second-skin perfection.”
Verdict: Miss
Again, this sample really isn’t worth it. You can get it from any magazine and I don’t think it’s really enough to decide if you like the powder.

Shampoo & Conditioner
L’Oreal Paris Hair Expertise OleoTherapy Oil Infused Shampoo & Conditioner (Deluxe Travel Size)
(8.5 oz Retail: $5.79/$5.59)
Description: L’Oreal Paris Hair Expertise OleoTherapy Oil Infused Shampoo: 6 flower oils, Intense nutrition, Silky feel, For dull, dry or damaged hair, Sulfate-free system & Gently conditions dull, dry or damaged hair while providing intense nutrition and shine.”
Verdict: Like
Oddly I couldn’t find the Conditioner on Walmart’s site. With winter in full swing, I can always use some extra moisture in my beauty products .  I do splurge on expensive shampoos and conditioners but I intersperse my use with more economical brands. I find switching it up regularly keeps my hair healthier and helps me get more out of my pricier products.

Olay Fresh Effects Everything Off! Deluxe Make-Up Removal Wet Cloths

(25 sheets Retail: $3.97)
Description: “Get make-up off without all the fuss. Olay Fresh Effects Everything Off! Deluxe Make-Up Removal Wet Cloths do the dirty work for you, easily lifting away dirt, oil, and stubborn make-up–even waterproof mascara. They come in a resealable packet of 25 cloths that’s perfect for on-the-go.”
Verdict: Hit!
This is the most useful item in the bag for me. I try not to use makeup wipes too much because they can be drying, but I always keep some on hand for times when I just need to get my makeup off asap. They are also great for traveling when you don’t want to lug around a ton of products.

LipstickLipstick Name
Maybelline Color Sensational The Buffs Lip Color
in Maple Kiss

(0.15 oz Full size: $4.97)
Description: Nude lipstick color comes alive with Maybelline Color Sensational The Buffs Lip Color. True nude lip color pigments for honest flesh tone color. Uniquely sensuous feel from precious oils. Raw. Real. Pigments explode with sensuous impact–sensational.”
Verdict: Gift
Unfortunately, this color on me just leans too orange, so I’m passing it along to my Mom. It did feel nice going on and seemed hydrating. I wouldn’t hesitate to buy one of the other nude shades that might be more complimentary for me.

Full Box

From my internet searches it appears I am still a young slut as the old heifer boxes seemed to contain a plethora of moisturizers and not much else. I mostly get this box for the sake of reviewing it, so anytime my $5 buys me items I might use for myself I’m happy. If the lipstick had been in a better shade for my skintone I would have labeled this box a hit.

Now I’m going to go ahead and state the obvious.  Walmart really, really REALLY needs to change this whole young/old thing. It ends up being offensive and it’s not actually succeeding at getting the products people are interested in to them because plenty of folks under 35 use anti-wrinkle products and plenty of ladies over 35 love lip gloss. How about instead of a birthdate you ask the following: “Are you interested in anti-aging products?” If the person answers yes, then throw in some of those old heifer items. If the person says no, then leave them out of the box. I know, I know, such a radical, off the wall solution. With such innovative problem solving skills it’s shocking I don’t have a job in the beauty industry.

Did you order one of these boxes? If so, were you a young slut or an old heifer?


Walmart subscriptions cost $5 per quarter and you receive a box seasonally (four times a year.)

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