Walmart Beauty Box: Winter 2015

Finally, the moment I had been dreading had come. Walmart finally decided it was time. So today friends, is the story of how this “young slut” finally became an “old heifer”, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give you a bit of a backstory first.

So Walmart introduced a $5 Beauty Box last year and there seemed to be some odd variations popping up. After a while of comparing notes amongst beauty bloggers, we figured out that if you were 35 or under when you signed up, you got the “young slut” box full of lip gloss and perfume that smells like cotton candy and if you’re 36 and up you’re obviously an “old heifer” and get stuff like anti-aging cream. I signed up at 35, and so I wondered if Walmart would eventually catch on after I turned 36 and start sending me Depends and denture cream.

My boxes seemed to always fall into the “young slut” category so I figured Walmart had decided that whatever you sign up with, you stay with.
Take a journey with me through this box and see how very wrong I’ve been.

We kick off this beauty box of sadness with an innocuous beginning.
Box Open Box

Body Butter
NSPA Exotically Creamy Coconut Rich Body Butter

(Full Size Retail: $5.48)
Description: Indulge your senses with NSPA Exotically Creamy Coconut Rich Body Butter packed with natural vitamins and real fruit goodness to deeply nourish skin, leaving it healthier looking and feeling velvety soft.”
Verdict: Young Slut
It starts off with lotion that smells like food, so at this point I assume I’m still a young slut.

Shave Cream
Pure Silk Moisturizing Shave Cream For Women Raspberry Mist

(Full Size Retail: $6.97)
Description: Pure Silk rich lather protects against nicks and cuts, while providing a comfortably close shave, leaving your skin feeling as smooth as silk.”
Verdict: Young Slut
Okay more food scented body products. We’re definitely in Young Slut territory.

Pantene Pro-V Extra Strong Hold Hair Spray
(Full Size Retail: $4.97)
Description: “Keep your beautiful style strong all day long with the extra strong holding power of Pantene Pro-V Extra Strong Hold Hair Spray. It holds hair in place for 24 hours and is humidity resistant, so you can unleash your style around the clock.”
Verdict: Old Heifer
I hear you, young sluts love hairspray too, but this is “Extra Strong” – not “touchably soft”. This sounds like the crap you use to shellac a beehive do. But as far as the scale goes not so awful.

Then it takes a turn:

Centrum Vitamints Multimineral Supplement Cool Mint Adult Minty Chewables

(60 count Retail: $6.76 each)
Description: Centrum Vitamints Multimineral Supplement Cool Mint Adult Minty Chewables are adults multivitamins with a refreshingly mint taste you can take any time of day with or without food or water.”
Verdict: Old Heifer
So apparently my bones are now so brittle that it’s not enough to take regular vitamins and eat vegetables, even my mints need to be supplements. What’s next, “multi-mineral” supplement mouthwash?

Assorted Boring Inserts & Coupons:
Then, the moment. Where all hope abandons you.
Mixed in with other coupons we find:
Old Lady Crap
TWO coupon rings of Clairol Root Touch UP
Rogaine for Women Coupons
Walmart, you have some ‘splaining to do
I might have been okay with one coupon ring of “root touch up”, but two? And why would I need so much root touch up, if my fucking hair is falling out and I need Rogaine for women? I don’t even have one gray hair – in fact, I will never get gray hair because I’m a redhead and our hair just changes color until it goes white. And when it does go white, I will dye that shit every unnatural color I can get my hands on, so there ain’t nothing in that box for me.

Walmart Winter 2015 Box
This old heifer is spending her money on Birchbox
Based on some of the other boxes I saw reviewed, other folks got things like hair ties, but I guess since I’m 36 now, Walmart assumes my hair must be falling out and so I just don’t have anything to tie up. As you can guess, this box is canceled. It may only be $5, but that’s $5 I can spend on Birchbox, or a scratch off ticket, or pretty much anything that wouldn’t be actively insulting.

Did you order one of these boxes? If so, did you end up as a “young slut” or an “old heifer”?


Walmart subscriptions cost $5 per quarter and you receive a box seasonally (four times a year.)

Walmart Beauty Box: Winter 2014

I usually don’t purchase much drugstore makeup but when Walmart introduced their own seasonal beauty box at an affordable $5 a quarter, I knew I needed to try it out for you guys.

After the first box, subscribers soon realized that Walmart had created two categories for boxes which pretty much broke down into the following: young sluts and old heifers (isn’t that just some social commentary for ya). It was soon determined that the line of delineation was the birthdate you entered when you signed up. Under 35, you’re a young slut, 35 and over – you’re an old heifer. (Because 2014 wasn’t a hard enough year for me, Walmart felt the need to make my 35th birthday seem that much more traumatic, I truly cannot thank them enough.)

So when I signed up I was 34 so I got the young slut box. Now I’m 35 and the big question seemed to be if they’d adjust the boxes and I’d graduate to an old heifer, or if it’d be “once a young slut always a young slut.” Thank god I have Walmart to tell me what beauty products are age appropriate.
Open Box

So into the box:

Jergens BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream, Light Skin Tones
(Deluxe Sample)

(7.5 fl oz Retail: $11.97)
Description: Jergens BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream instantly visibly improves skin and gradually perfects skin over five days of use. Specially formulated with self-adjusting tone technology, each application provides a customized solution for your skin tone, giving you long-lasting, beautiful results. See visibly improved skin after just one day and experience five visible benefits after just five days. 1. Hydrates and smoothes. 2. Brightens and illuminates. 3. Evens skin tone. 4. Visibly firms skin. 5. Minimizes the appearance of imperfections. Jergens BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream makes skin visibly more beautiful..”
Verdict: Hit!
This sounds like an interesting product and it’s not one I would have picked up on my own. Thankfully I got the “light” shade but it would suck if you got a shade completely opposite of your complexion.

NIVEA Cocoa Butter Body Lotion
(Sample w/ coupon)
(16.9 fl oz Retail: $4.97)
Description: NIVEA Cocoa Butter Body Lotion intensively hydrates and provides long-lasting moisture. Its nourishing formula absorbs quickly and instantly moisturizes, and leaves skin soft, smooth, and healthy looking. With vitamin E and cocoa butter, NIVEA Cocoa Butter Body Lotion also features Hydra IQ Technology to support skin’s own hydration network to unleash deep, non-stop moisture that lasts more than 24 hours.”
Verdict: Miss
To begin I hate foil packets in boxes. If I can get it for free in a magazine, I don’t think it belongs in a sub box. Putting that aside, I don’t really care for the smell of cocoa butter so this isn’t a lotion I’d use.

Maybelline Dream Wonder Powder (Sample Card w/ coupon)
(0.28 oz Retail: $6.94)
Description: Maybelline Dream Wonder powder feels like powderless powder. Creamy glide, smooth flawless finish, and perfect skin for 100% second-skin perfection.”
Verdict: Miss
Again, this sample really isn’t worth it. You can get it from any magazine and I don’t think it’s really enough to decide if you like the powder.

Shampoo & Conditioner
L’Oreal Paris Hair Expertise OleoTherapy Oil Infused Shampoo & Conditioner (Deluxe Travel Size)
(8.5 oz Retail: $5.79/$5.59)
Description: L’Oreal Paris Hair Expertise OleoTherapy Oil Infused Shampoo: 6 flower oils, Intense nutrition, Silky feel, For dull, dry or damaged hair, Sulfate-free system & Gently conditions dull, dry or damaged hair while providing intense nutrition and shine.”
Verdict: Like
Oddly I couldn’t find the Conditioner on Walmart’s site. With winter in full swing, I can always use some extra moisture in my beauty products .  I do splurge on expensive shampoos and conditioners but I intersperse my use with more economical brands. I find switching it up regularly keeps my hair healthier and helps me get more out of my pricier products.

Olay Fresh Effects Everything Off! Deluxe Make-Up Removal Wet Cloths

(25 sheets Retail: $3.97)
Description: “Get make-up off without all the fuss. Olay Fresh Effects Everything Off! Deluxe Make-Up Removal Wet Cloths do the dirty work for you, easily lifting away dirt, oil, and stubborn make-up–even waterproof mascara. They come in a resealable packet of 25 cloths that’s perfect for on-the-go.”
Verdict: Hit!
This is the most useful item in the bag for me. I try not to use makeup wipes too much because they can be drying, but I always keep some on hand for times when I just need to get my makeup off asap. They are also great for traveling when you don’t want to lug around a ton of products.

LipstickLipstick Name
Maybelline Color Sensational The Buffs Lip Color
in Maple Kiss

(0.15 oz Full size: $4.97)
Description: Nude lipstick color comes alive with Maybelline Color Sensational The Buffs Lip Color. True nude lip color pigments for honest flesh tone color. Uniquely sensuous feel from precious oils. Raw. Real. Pigments explode with sensuous impact–sensational.”
Verdict: Gift
Unfortunately, this color on me just leans too orange, so I’m passing it along to my Mom. It did feel nice going on and seemed hydrating. I wouldn’t hesitate to buy one of the other nude shades that might be more complimentary for me.

Full Box

From my internet searches it appears I am still a young slut as the old heifer boxes seemed to contain a plethora of moisturizers and not much else. I mostly get this box for the sake of reviewing it, so anytime my $5 buys me items I might use for myself I’m happy. If the lipstick had been in a better shade for my skintone I would have labeled this box a hit.

Now I’m going to go ahead and state the obvious.  Walmart really, really REALLY needs to change this whole young/old thing. It ends up being offensive and it’s not actually succeeding at getting the products people are interested in to them because plenty of folks under 35 use anti-wrinkle products and plenty of ladies over 35 love lip gloss. How about instead of a birthdate you ask the following: “Are you interested in anti-aging products?” If the person answers yes, then throw in some of those old heifer items. If the person says no, then leave them out of the box. I know, I know, such a radical, off the wall solution. With such innovative problem solving skills it’s shocking I don’t have a job in the beauty industry.

Did you order one of these boxes? If so, were you a young slut or an old heifer?


Walmart subscriptions cost $5 per quarter and you receive a box seasonally (four times a year.)

%d bloggers like this: